Korean or Canadian?...both

*Little me leaning on the bathroom counter looking into the mirror pulling the corners of my eyes back.

"Mom...how do Japanese people see?"

I was adopted from Korea when I was six months old.

Before moving to Richmond B.C. aka Little Asia, I lived in Nelson B.C. for 15 years.

Nelson is predominately caucasian with many Ukrainian/Russian Doukhobors - lots of "off" names. So I guess I didn't grow up very connected to my asian roots. For all intents and purposes, I was...I am Canadian.

Playing in Canadian snow.

I read an interesting article the other day that came up on my Twitterfeed from the NY Times about a Donaldson Institute study on Korean adoptions.

"...According to one of the largest studies of transracial adoptions, which is to be released on Monday. The report, which focuses on the first generation of children adopted from South Korea, found that 78 percent of those who responded had considered themselves to be white or had wanted to be white when they were children. Sixty percent indicated their racial identity had become important by the time they were in middle school, and, as adults, nearly 61 percent said they had traveled to Korea both to learn more about the culture and to find their birth parents."

Personally, I think I can both relate and disagree with the article. I do have to note that they emphasize the study was on the first generation adopted from S. Korea, which, according to the article began in 1953 (But most of the given examples date from around the 1960s-70s, I believe). Therefore, adoption was less common and adoptees might have faced a lot more questions and may have been labelled "different." Currently, however, adoption is relatively common, with no real stigma attached.

I would agree that I considered myself more white than asian, but I think for legitimate reasons. I'm Canadian. I've lived in Canada for all but six months of my life, so culturally, I will be more "white" than asian.

Just chilling out on some rocks.

When I moved to Richmond, I did get in touch with my asian roots, but it was more of a cultural learning experience. Everybody else was asian: Chinese, Korean, Taiwanese, etc. so I was introduced to those cultural differences. It was a peek through a cultural window, but it wasn't introspective at all. The way I acted, dressed and thought was still North American, with no discrimination to either being more culturally "superior" or anything.

As a child, I never "longed" to know who my birth parents were, nor did I feel any grudges towards them for giving me up for adoption. On the contrary, I would thank them for seeing that it would be better for me. I would tell them about how blessed I've been to live with the family that I do.

A lovely Christmas picture of the kids.

My younger brother and sister are also adopted.

A few times I've wondered what my birth family looks like and thought it would be so weird if I ever went to Korea and saw another "me" walking down the sidewalk. I guess I'll never have the opportunity to see what I'll look like when I'm old...is that a good or bad thing?

This coming spring, I'm hoping to plan a trip to Korea, but my reasons for travelling there has nothing to do with it being my birthland. Previously, I'd never felt a strong desire to go to Korea; my change of heart came about from meeting international students from Korea throughout the years who I've become friends with and knowing other people who've gone to Korea and loved it.

My reason for travelling there is to see old friends who've moved back and to experience the culture as a foreign traveller, not an adopted Korean wishing to connect with her "home."

I know adopted children who have experienced difficulties coming to terms with being adopted and feeling a need to connect with their birthplace. I don't deny my Korean ethnicity, but nor am I going to pretend it's a huge part of my identity. I recognize that I've grown up in Canada my whole life and I'm Canadian.

Being adopted is definitely a part of my life that can't be ignored, but it's not a hinderance or a hole that needs to be filled, it's a layer and addition to me that has made me who I am. How can I fight or be dissatisfied with that?